HELP ME?

So maybe I’m wrong for feeling inadequate, tiny and voiceless. It’s been a while since I expressed my truth, I’ve been on a steady staple diet of insecurity, now full stomached on mediocrity. Settling for substantially less in life circles and cycles. Yes I am in constant awareness that everyone has a mask duly uncovered with time,but quite frankly mine has got to be the best performance I’ve ever staged.

mask, black, and masquerade image

Am I happy? *laugh?* See it’s funny you asked that question because apparently no one seems to see past the crooked smile and the layered face. The crime scene of a night wasted backstroking in a pointless pool of tears. In this game of wits even the mighty are humbled at their opportune moment.This just might be a fraction of mine. And I’ve thought it through and through, over and over, by and large, book by page and I am certainly amused by this life story meant to be my own. Words personify unspoken emotions, but what if there are no words that amount to the struggle? Real or not the struggle must and will be felt vis-à-vis pain as one quote thunderously echoes.

girl, black and white, and sad image

Yet still as man is subjected to the cruelties of life once in a while a breeze of hope sweeps us off our feet so frail just to remind us that there is purpose amidst the sorrow. Our present affliction is negligent and light in comparison to eternity and the glory wherein. I must brace myself for the storms and raging winds fiery and steady; this is just but a transition. I will gracefully rise above.

sea, art, and ship image

He is the One

A pen in one hand
A heart on a weary sleeve
Reliving the same story
Shuffling villains
Same script. Different cast. Yep.
Scribbling bittersweet, hardly ever,
love-something, crush-nothings, onto these crumpled paper pieces.
(my class notebook)

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Finding the pieces of me apparently lost
and I search for them in pregnant words.
I search for them in poetry and in wounded songs.
Seeking words that heal me,
that speak to me,
that console me
ministering familiar solace..
and we cry together.

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See i swore this heart was guarded.
I rendered it sealed.
I’d saved it for another
Him who the creator deemed fit.
but somewhere in between hopeless romanticism and vulnerable humanity my walls caved in
and they caved HARD.
In the end
the dust settled, the tremors ceased and I, I, I remained in the center of it all.
clasping relief and basking in belief that this was different.
that He was different.
but what is different?
what is the one?
what is. 😂😂

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Maybe I regret the two of us having met…
Then again maybe I don’t because “Mr. different ” led me to reconnect with another.
My FOREVER love.
One who loved me before I barely knew His name.
So as mama bear whispered His name into my feeble infant ears, slowly by steady slowly i met my soulmate.

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He who loves me despite of me
A crown of splendour in His hand he calls me(Isaiah 62:3)
Radiantly beautiful He describes me (Psalms 34:5)
He says I AM more than ENOUGH.
I lack no good thing (Psalms 84:11)
He meticulously envisioned my destiny.
I see it now.
Me & Him.
Captured in His arms.

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He is the one.

Finding Myself

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Plunge with me deeper
Don’t falter
Don’t even try to contend

Just fall, free fall.

Come with me
Embrace embellished serenity, sweet darling
Clarity
Peace of mind

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I see no despondent predicaments here
Only irrelevant hard words
So as you disentangle yourself from your binding chambers of doubt
A dictionary is all you need
lest you got lost in translation

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Eyes…
Your eyes! My eyes?
Glazed with sheer wonder and blissful vision
They speak to me.
And I listen.
The silent exchange brews adamant purpose
A detailed life map
I suppose the search is over
…for now.
Through you I have found myself.

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Mirror dearest, allow me to put you down for now
I’ve seen all I needed to see today
Indeed, self and I found each other
A lengthy chat ensued
and it was a monologue masterpiece!

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turning in the sheets with my woes

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So as i snuggle in these barely there blankets,5% battery and vaguely communing with heavy words and a queer state of mind .. I should probably write this down before my phone prematurely dies (typical)
First blog  post. Here goes nothing but closure…

..I long for a love so deep the oceans will be jealous..

The one-liner  that made me and khloe K finally relate
She got me thinking.
And I rarely do that these days

Been too  busy going through the motions that i forgot how to live.. how to love..how to feel

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Love is when I look at an open tub of oreo filled icecream… and I swear my heart skips a damn mile everytime i hold that redvelvet cake in the depths of my hand.
They say it’s possible to feel the same way about someone… they say it’s a lifechanging moment… they say u’ll just know when you know.

Maybe they should just stop saying  and give a sister some darn proof. Go on, make me a believer.
Pardon me for my periodical moments of disbelief despite this strong emotion brandishing all around me. Trust me, i see the way dad looks at mom. I would kill just to have someone look at me that way. Someday. Oneday . So I hold on to my wishful thinking. Expectant longing. The feeling abides within me because I know my Cinderella moment is stealthily hovering somewhere desperately yearning for me just as i am for it.

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My bestfriend swears I’m beautiful. I have no doubt in my mind. I’m perfect for he who’s yet to come. He  who’s heartbeat syncs only with mine. He who is the reason i won’t settle for all this downpour of mediocre. He who God has handpicked from all the 7Billion i might encounter in this mortal lifetime. He who meticulously understands the father’s love and will  therefore know exactly how to love me.
Essence of my soul.
I promise to fiercely love him.

And something tells me i’m going to love him forever

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